


T I R E D T R Y I N G

by vxlentine



Series: To find cures to our sorrows [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Gen, Lots of Angst, Lots of tears, Suicide Attempt, and theyre trying, like l o t s of it, theyre growing, vanya centric mostly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-03-22
Packaged: 2019-11-27 16:34:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vxlentine/pseuds/vxlentine
Summary: It’s quiet. Underwater. Her ears are muffled so she can’t hear her heartbeat or anything else. And it’s quiet. And unlike the White Violin, who screamed when there was silence, Vanya adored it.~OR~What happens when they go pack to the past.





	T I R E D T R Y I N G

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed :)

               They land in their 13-year-old. Tired, their heads feeling like it’s being squeezed, and it might explode, and their hearts feeling like it’s being crushed.

            Allison is the first one to move from their spot on the grass. Catching Vanya as Luther drops her from his arms that are human once more. She doesn’t care, however, holding her sister close. Her sister that’s unconscious and breathing in slow. Her sister that closed her eyes when Allison had the gun to her head. Her sister that finally broke after decades of abuse he, _she, they,_ put her through. Her sister that she never fought hard enough for.

            She had always been a pretty liar. She’d gotten the photoshoots, the fashion show invites, the rumors about her dating life. Her entire life had been lies and secrets and she’s so, so, _so_ tired. But she can’t help but mumble with her now returned voice;

            “ _I heard a rumour…that you were going to wake up…and we were going to be better to you…I’m going to try and fight for you…”_

            She knows she can’t bend the will of fate and time. No, that’s Five’s power. But dammit, she’ll try. She’ll try for her.

            Ben is alive. Ben was a ghost and came back as a body. The second he _feels_ the grass as they land, the second he _feels_ the wind against his skin, the second he _feels_ the sun warming his body, he cries. Ben didn’t cry when he died. He didn’t cry when he appeared infront of Klaus. He didn’t cry then. But now he’s back and with his family and now he’s going to try for all of them.

            They all sit there for a while. Huddled together in the middle of some forest, near a cabin Five had said he saw on a mission he went on. Ben didn’t really care. Tuning it all out as he focuses on the sound of the lake infront of them, the sounds of the crickets and cicadas and he’s watching the sun start to set. He’s missed living.

            He doesn’t start to move until the sun is down and the stars are up. And Five is hurrying them all inside the cabin. It was large and well furnished, which he’s glad for. He helps Diego pull out one of the couch-beds for Vanya, setting her down gently and covering her with a blanket. He’s missed his sister. He glances at Luther from the corner of his eyes from time to time; their ‘leader’ looking at Vanya with mixed emotions in his eyes.

            He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care for Luther’s fear of her. Luther had never cared about his fear of his powers when they were on missions. So why should he when Luther is faced with the realization and fear that he’s the weakest among them?

            They’re all so tired for the first few days. None of them brought up going back to the house. More so, fuck that noise, Klaus had screamed when Luther suggested it. Klaus never screamed.

            It looks like all of them are changing.

**☂☂☂**

 

            Vanya wakes up a week later.

            In fact, she wakes up while they’re asleep. Allison, Klaus and Ben had taken the second couch-bed, Diego having taken the lounge chair while Luther slept on another. Five had taken to the floor because he’s Five.

            She looks at them. Looks at them for minutes. They’re all 13 again. She’s not sure how but she knows it’s Five. What surprises her the most is that she’s not chained or tied up or put in a separate room. No, Diego was next to her, Five was on the floor on her other side, and Allison, Klaus and Ben were directly across from her.

            She’s surprised she’s still alive.

            Vanya’s footsteps are gentle and quiet, they always have been. Even with a buried fury inside of her that’s screaming to be let out now. She tells it to shut up. And it does. She’s not going to let anyone control her anymore. She makes her way around Five’s sleeping body but sighs and stops to put a blanket over him because obviously he didn’t. She finds her way to the bathroom of the cabin, the cabin that’s different enough from his that it doesn’t freak her out. There’s no chandelier. She thinks she’d cry if there was one.

            Her eyes are brown. They’re brown when she closes her eyes as she washes her face and they’re brown when she opens them up and looks in the mirror. She doesn’t recognize herself. Her face still has baby fat, but her eyes are sharp, and her mouth is as well. Her fingers are clutching the sink counter much too hard. She’s angry and hurt and wants to scream. She just wanted to play her violin. She just wanted to finish the show she’s worked her life to do. She didn’t even purposely set the world aflame, her powers did when Allison’s bullet exploded beside her ears and they focused on the sound.

            But.

            But it was still her powers that did it. But at the same time…

            Vanya is tired of trying.

            She’s in control as the bath tub fills with water. She’s in control as she sits down in it, uncaring of how wet her childhood uniform gets. How it clings to her skin, soaked. She’s in control as she slowly pulls herself under.

            It’s quiet. Underwater. Her ears are muffled so she can’t hear her heartbeat or anything else. And it’s quiet. And unlike the White Violin, who screamed when there was silence, Vanya adored it.

            She wakes up because they’re tears hitting her cheeks. Firm but shaky hands pumping her chest and chapped lips trying to breathe air into her. Soft voices pleading for her to wake up. Voices sobbing apologies.

            Vanya gags as she throws up water, coughing and shaking and her eyes focus on her family sitting around her. Five lets out a relieved sob when she does, his hands holding onto her arms tightly. His hands are still shaking. Her head in on Allison’s lap, with the rest of them shrouded around her. Diego looks lost and scared. Klaus and Allison are openly sobbing. Ben is trying to hide his tranquil fury. Luther is sad and tired and guilty. And Five looks like he’s reliving a nightmare.

            Because they’re all emotionally stunted fools, they don’t say a word as Allison takes Vanya into the bathroom and changes her clothing. She feels like a child, shivering and sitting on the edge of the bathtub while Allison helps her into some warm pajamas and an extra sweater. Allison won’t even look at the tub, as if it’s personally offended her.

            They’re all still crying though, and Vanya wonders why.

**☂☂☂**

            It’s another week when Ben finally snaps. Vanya’s hands are covered in blood because she accidently bumped into something and the glass of the cup she was holding shattered into her hands. She didn’t scream, simply looked at the cuts with a hint of happiness in her eyes. It flickers when Five bandages them though and disappears when Luther cleans the glass on the floor.

            “Why do you…why do you want to die, V?” Ben asks through gritted teeth, his fists clenching. Number Six vs Number Seven. The rest of the numbers know they should stay quiet. Not when the strongest are about to argue. They laugh internally because they’re young selves thought Luther and Diego were scariest when angered. How wrong they were. “Do you know what it’s like? Being dead, V? You can sit and stand and run, but you can’t feel any surface. You can’t feel the wind. You can’t feel the cold and you can’t feel the heat. It’s numb and empty and I _really_ don’t understand why your so desperate to die.”

            He’s on the losing end. Because Vanya has played the numb game since she was four.

            “Do you know what it’s like, Ben? Being numb to every emotion? Having the emotional understanding and feel of a toddler?” she challenges, slowly standing him to stare Ben in his eyes. “Do you know what it’s like, Ben? Feeling happy but never in joy? Chuckling but never laughing? Feeling angry but never furious? Feeling infatuated but never in love? Do you know what it’s like? Every sound being muffled and buzzing, like there’s cotton in your eyes? Do you know what it’s like, when one of your ears is always ringing? Do you know what it’s _like_ Ben, to watch all you be heroes in everyone else’s story?”

            “BECAUSE YOU’VE ALWAYS BEEN THE HEROES,” she screams, the room doesn’t shake but the wind picks up. And none of them back away. No. Not this time. “YOU’RE THE HEROES OF THE HOSTAGES IN EVERY ROBBERY. YOU’RE THE HEROES FOR EVERY DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. YOU’RE THE HEROES TO EVERYONE ELSE BUT NONE OF YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO BE MINE. Y-you’ve always been the villains…” she sobs, and now they’re tears running down her face. “You’ve always been the villains…I’m not even a main character…in my own story…hell, I’m not even a background character in any of yours…I’m the crazy atom bomb that needs to die before she gets you all killed…I _need_ to die…because I’m tired of trying Ben…I’m so tired…”

            Her arms are wrapped around herself now, and she’s never looked more sad than she does right now.

            When they all hug it’s filled with tears, even Five is crying. Vanya doesn’t have to reach out to them anymore. They’re going to reach out to her. And the part of Vanya that’s always wanted her family; that loves them no matter what, promises she’s going to grab them.

            Because Vanya is tired of trying. But now, her family are going to try for her. And they’re all smarter now. All more realizing just how fucked up each and everyone of them is. No more lies. No more secrets. No more rumours. Just trying for each other, because they don’t have anyone else.

            They don’t feel as tired anymore.


End file.
